Your Essential Guide to Bothering Dark Lords
by DraconisNight130
Summary: 101 ways to annoy, anger, and generally poke fun at Britain's favorite evil mastermind
1. Chapter 1

**Ten Ways to Annoy Your Villain**

1. Convince Wormtail that at the next resurrection he should scream "it's alive!"

2. After the Dark Lord's newest plan to kill Potter fails ask whether _somebody_ needs a hug

3. Tell him that instead of the Cruciatus curse, he should go and buy some labradoodles, chain them behind his throne, and then tell Wormtail to release the hounds

4. Tell him that after that he should steeple his fingers and say eeexcelent…

5. Every time Nagini enters the room start singing the Jaws theme

6. 'Remodel' his lair in Griffindor colours

7. Act highly offended when he complains

8. Ask him if, for his birthday party, he wants a Harry Potter themed cake

9. Ask him of he wants a matching piñata

10. Spread rumors about the embarrassing location of _his_ lightning bolt-shaped scar

**DN- It has begun! *Frenchie pulls out the frying pan***

**F- Be silent, or _I'll_ silence you.**

**DN- No! Not the Pan! Read and Review please!  
**


	2. Ten More VillainAnnoying Actions

**Ten More Villain-Annoying Actions**

1. Introduce him to TomxHarry fanfiction

2. Ask if he's secretly the author

3. In front of his Death Eaters, ask why he made you read those stories

4. Come to work in neon orange robes

5. Tell him the robes are the newest fashion among evildoers

6. Wear normal robes the next day and try to look innocent while he glares at you while wearing neon orange robes

7. Insinuate that his therapist would be disappointed in him

8. Imply that Potter is really his long lost son

9. Then ask how he convinced Lily to 'get it on' with him

10. Buy him 50 crates of shampoo, and then tell the supplier to put it on the Dark Lord's tab

**DN- Hmm, that reminds me. I need to buy more shampoo...**

**F- _You_ bathe yourself?**

**DN- Hmm, that reminds me. I still haven't had my yearly bath...**

**F- *facepalm* You idio-**

**DN- Review and Read! Although not necessarily in that order.**


	3. Irritating Innuendos For Minions

**Irritating Innuendos for Minions**

1. Complain that the Dark Lord may be just a little _too_ obsessed with Potter for their relationship to be strictly hero-villain

2. Imply that a snake as giant as Nagini has to be compensating for something

3. Convince your Dark Lord that he needs to say 'in your pants' after every sentence

4. Ask whether he killed Cedric Diggory out of jealousy of someone getting to close to his Potter

5. Then ask which he prefers: Harrykins or Harrypoo

6. When he gets angry, run out of the room screaming that he threatened to snog you

7. When initiating a new Death Eater, introduce your Dark Lord as your wife

8. Ask why there are so few female Death Eaters

9. Then ask whether he ever had a girlfriend in school

10. Express your thoughts on how he would have turned out better if he _had_ had one

**F- I'm surprised, Draconis. I expected you to be much more obscene in this chapter.**

**DN- Yes, well, I did have you standing behind me with a wooden spoon while I wrote this...**  
**Read and Review!**


	4. Snake Jokes and Pokes for Inclined Folks

**Snake Jokes and Pokes for the Inclined Folks**

1. Begin referring to your Dark Lord as 'ol' Tommie, ol' boy'

2. Ask him where he gets his red contacts

3. Try to play 'got your nose' with him

4. Take an hour to realize he has no nose

5. Then tell him the joke 'my Dark Lord's got no nose…'

6. Ask that if he can smell with his tongue, does that mean he can taste his own farts?

7. Vocally express your doubts on whether he can actually talk to snakes or if he's just that pathetic

8. Pry open his mouth while saying you're looking for his fangs

9. Then ask what his dentist thinks of said fangs

10. Subtly imply that he learnt how to kiss by practicing with Nagini

**DN- Hey, Frenchie! My Dark Lord's got no nose!**

**F- *sigh* How does he smell, DN?**

**DN- Weren't you listening? I _just_ said he hasn't got a nose.**

**F- So he _does_ smell with his tongue...**

**DN- And they say _I'm_ strange. Read and Review, peoples!**


	5. Philosophical Funnies to Fire up Foes

**Philosophical Funnies to Fire up Foes**

1. Every time he asks for a report on his hostile take over shout 'make pie, not war'

2. Ask whether he knows why 42 is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

3. Laugh maniacally when he says he doesn't

4. Inquire whether he knows where his towel is

5. If he ever asks why you keep getting lost reply that 'not all those who wander are lost'

6. Every morning spend two hours thinking up excuses for being late

7. When you arrive at work, use the worst one

8. When he gets angry, try to explain to him how time is not a strict progression, but more a great big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff

9. Imply that the reason he does not extend his plans to include the United States is because he's afraid of falling off the edge of the world

10. Explain to him that being forever young means dying at a young age and that Potter is going to stay young for eternity then wait for his head to explode

**DN- Oh, Frenchie! I can't believe it! People actually like my story. Okay, um, I'd like to thank all the people who alerted/favorited this, my first reviewer lafellana,...my parents, um...god?**

**F- Yes, yes. We understand you're excited. Just try not to get a big head.**

**DN- Come on Frenchie, what do you take me for?**  
** *DN tries to exit the room, however her mildly enlarged head gets stuck in the doorway***

**F- You know the drill, Read and Review. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go deflate DN's head...**


	6. Headrelated Harassment

**Head-related Harassment**

1. Buy him a pair of glasses then ask why he isn't wearing them

2. Stare vacantly at his face

3. When he asks why, tell him you're watching the paint dry

4. Watch as he realizes you painted his face like a lion while he was sleeping

5. Ask him if he was albino when he had hair

6. If he denies it, ask instead if he was ginger

7. Invite him swimming then buy him a really expensive nose plug

8. Draw Potter-esqe glasses on all the Death Eater masks

9. Buy him a dog. Call it Nose. Tell the Dark Lord it's to do his smelling for him

10. Buy him shoe polish and use it on his head. When he gets angry, say "I'm sorry, is this not your usual brand?"

**DN- Okay, there _had_ to be a nicer way to deflate my head than popping it with a needle.**

**F- True, but that wouldn't have been as fun.**

**DN- Darn sadist... *Frenchie tries to look innocent***


	7. Musical Numbers to Miff Marvolo

**Musical Numbers to Miff Marvolo**

1. At 6 in the morning, go into the Dark Lord's room and begin singing Judy Garland's Good Morning

2. When ever someone says Potter's name sing 'dun dun duuuuuun~'

3. Follow the Dark Lord around while singing the out of tune theme song you wrote for him

4. If he looks annoyed, sing louder, and then explain that you were only trying to make him feel better after his last crushing defeat

5. Take him to a club, insisting he should meet up with a girl you know

6. While waiting for the 'girl you know', sing loudly along with all the club songs

7. Especially if you don't know the words

8. While in negotiations with possible allies, find a way to bring up the Dark Lord's favorite song

9. Insist that said song is the theme tune for My Little Pony

10. If, at the end of the day, he looks a little down, try getting him to sing Bad Day with you

**DN- Frenchie! When I went swimming I got water in my ears and now I can't hear anything!**

**F- You're an idiot, and I hate you.**

**DN- What?**  
** *Frenchie smiles evilly***


	8. Baiting Baddies to Banish Boredom

**Baiting Baddies to Banish Boredom**

1. Keep repeating his various names until he screams "_What_! What do you want!"

2. Then say 'hi' and leg it

3. Paint him a Care Bears mural

4. When he tells you to get rid of it simply move it onto his bedroom ceiling

5. Spend a day speaking a language only you and your pet fruitfly, Bun-bun, know

6. Spend the next day looking like you're up to something, and giggle whenever the Dark Lord turns his back on you

7. Each week, present your Dark Lord with increasingly flamboyant articles of clothing, telling him he should put the closet he's hiding in to better use

8. Enchant hats to attach themselves to Death Eater's heads and mumble obscene words

9. Spread rumors about how, when he was ten, the Dark Lord wanted to be a ballet dancer

10. Then show photoshopped pictures of a young Tom Riddle in a tutu

**DN- Frenchie~! What did you say earlier?**

**F- I said I love you, DN**

**DN- Oh, okay!**

**F- Idiot.**

**DN- Hey! How dare you call me that you -bleeping bleep bleep- *Frenchie proceeds to beat DN into oblivion***

**F- I apoligize for her language, dear readers. Read and Review!**


	9. How to be Obnoxious for Dummies

**F- This chapter of the Guide brought to you by the Frenchie, due to DN's untimely demise.**

**DN- What? No! Can I be alive again yet?**

**F- No, you're a ghost right now. You'll need to find your body to respawn.**

**DN- Okay, where is it?**

**F- I'll never tell…**

**DN- Oh, come on~! **

**How to Be Obnoxious for Dummies**

1. Build a fort in his back garden using his boxers for curtains

2. Whenever he opens his mouth to say something to you, exclaim, "Do not question me, mortal!"

3. Explain to his Death Eaters how you are the real evil mastermind and how the Dark Lord is just a front

4. 'Accidentally' send all his robes to the dry cleaners the day before a big strategy meeting

5. Raid his secret coffee stash

6. Insist that withdrawal symptoms actually stem from his breakup with Potter

7. Repeatedly poke him in the head

8. Then declare that you're trying to break the world record for the number of times someone can poke a Dark Lord in the head

9. Explain that the current record is 42, held by Dumbledore for poking Grindelwald

10. Then ask if he knows the meaning of 42 yet


	10. Advanced Aggravation 101

**Advanced Aggravation 101**

1. Tell him that Potter wants to know when he'll pop the question

2. Write a play detailing all the Dark Lords defeats at the hands of Potter

3. Cast Crabbe as Potter and Malfoy Jr. as the Dark Lord

4. Fill the throne room with helium

5. Tell him Darth Vader makes a better Dark Lord and would have killed Potter years ago

6. Introduce him to the teletubbies

7. Do No. 6 by tying him to a chair and taping his eyes open. Show only one episode on repeat

8. Tell him it's bring-your-niece-to-work day, and then let her give him a 'makeover'

9. Replace his wand with one from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

10. Smack him with a fish the yell, "You can't fire me, I quit!"

**DN- Found it~**

**F- Oh, good lord...**  
** *DN proceeds to do a very awkward happy dance***

**F- Stop that, you're scaring the children!**

**DN- Heh, that was the idea... Mwahahahaha!**

**F- *sigh***


	11. Once More for the Road

**Once More for the Road**

101. Include the Guide in your resignation letter

**F- Aw, it's over...**

**DN- YES! Now I haz more time for WoW!**

**F- DN, what have I said about grammar nazi? But, that does sound good...**

**Mr. Plot-Bunny- What? No! Get back to work!**

**DN & F- Yes, master...**


End file.
